Remember Arles?
by Chelsea1
Summary: W/S - Willow tries to salvage their relationship by moving to NY with Tara.


Remember Arles?

Author: Chelsea

Disclaimer: Don't own them, really!

Spoiler: None, AU

Rating: PG

Summary: A discussion on Van Gogh creates a rift between Willow and Tara.

Note: A Special thank you to my beta reader Rona for her invaluable assistance.

Willow opened the envelope and pulled the card out slowly. She caught her breath when she saw the card depicting Van Gogh's "Path through a Field with Willows". She opened it with trembling fingers and her face lost all trace of colors when she read what's inside. Two simple words: "Remember Arles?"

"He did not!" Willow said half seriously.

"He did so!" Spike returned. 

"Look, Van Gogh was…mentally challenged. You can't blame Gauguin for his death."

"Of course I can. Van Gogh wanted to be Gauguin. Hell! He was probably half in love with the man. They did have that little love nest in Arles."

"Stop it! I so don't need this visual." Willow punched him gently on the arm. "You are so…so...perverted."

"Me? perverted? Who's the one who thought that presenting his ear to a prostitute or burning his hand over a candle flame was romantic?" He grabbed a cushion off the sofa and hit her back lightly. 

Willow retaliated and soon it developed into an all out cushion fight. Spike was happy to find that the chip did not go off, probably because the red head was laughing so much. With his superior strength, Spike quickly got the upper hand and soon has Willow giggling and cowering from him at the end of the sofa. That's when Tara walked in.

Tara walked into the room and her eyes narrowed at the laughing couple battling on the sofa. She cleared her throat loudly. "Hi Willow, Spike."

The red head jumped up a bit guiltily. "Tara, what are you doing here?"

Tara stared at Willow in disappointment, noticing her wildly flushed cheeks and mussed hair. "You were supposed to come watch me at the recital. Have you forgotten?" Tara glanced at Spike and asked reproachfully.

"Oh Goddess, Tara, I'm so sorry. I…thought…I didn't…today is Thursday." Willow stammered, guilt written all over her face. 

"I had written it on the calendar Willow. And I know I reminded you of it last week." 

"Look witch, people forget. What's the big deal?" Spike said.

"You stay out of this!" Tara said harshly. It was the first time she had ever raised her voice at any one them.

Spike stood up and started to walk over the blonde, but Willow quickly stepped in between them. "Spike please. This is my fault, Tara. I'll make it up to you. I promise." 

"How are you going to make it up to me?" Surprisingly, Tara doesn't stutter when she's angry. "You know very well how important this was to me. How much I wanted you to be there for me. Yet, you were sitting here with him. I would have forgiven you if you were doing anything else but this."

"Tara, no. I…I just forgot. People…people forget things all the time. Look, let's go home and we'll talk about this." Willow looked at Spike and tried to pull Tara toward the door.

"You mean you're going to go home and grovel." Spike said impatiently. "Fine, if that's the kind of relationship you want to be stuck with."

"Spike, don't! This is my fault."

"I don't want you coming back with me just to appease your own conscience." Tara looked at Willow bitterly.

"No Tara, of course it isn't that. I wanted to go with you." 

Once inside their apartment Willow pulled Tara down to sit next to her on the sofa. "I'm so sorry Tara. I promise you it will never happen again."

Tara looked at the ceiling and then back to the red head. "What were you two talking about?"

"Talking about?" Willow repeated, a bit surprised at her girlfriend's change of subject. 

"Yeah, just tell me."

"Actually we were discussing Van Gogh. Spike actually met him in Arles over a hundred years ago." She smiled as she remembered some of things that he had told her. "He told me that I should go visit some day."

Tara just nodded. "Some day. And what were you two talking about last night when you didn't come home until 2:00?"

All of a sudden Willow realized where this was leading. "Tara, don't'. It's not like that. We just…he just…we are just friends."

"A friend who whispers in your ear and walks you home at 2:00 in the morning." Tara wiped away the beginning of tears, and Willow had never felt so guilty before. "Can't you just tell me what you were talking about?"

"Poetry." 

"Poetry." Tara repeated softly. "You two have a lot in common."

"Tara, we all have a lot in common." Willow tried to joke. "We are all living on the mouth of Hell."

"You and I only ever talk about witchcraft, you know." Tara said sadly. "I didn't even know you like Van Gogh."

Willow frowned. "Tara, I have prints of most of his work."

"You do?" Tara stared at Willow with a painful expression on her face. "Was it me who let you down?"

"No, of course not. We have other interests. We love each other. Isn't that the only thing that really matters?"

"If it were true." Tara narrowed her eyes. "Tell me honestly, that it's me that you love."

Willow paled. "I love you. You must know that."

"That's just it. I don't know any more. I am starting to think that I am what your head tells you to love, but your heart tells you a different story." Tara said sadly. "A relationship with me is guilt free. Your conscience don't have to keep reminding you of how low you've sunk, isn't that true?"

"Tara don't be ridiculous. Spike is just a friend, like Xander or Buffy." 

"You know what I just realized?" Tara looked at Willow with lackluster eyes. "Our relationship is kind of like the ones that you have with Buffy or Xander. We laugh, we talk, we discuss ways to defeat demons, but we never talk about what's important to us except for witchcraft. And I know that's the only thing keeping us together."

"Tara we talk…we talk about…lots of things." 

"Like what? I can stare at a Van Gogh for an hour and wouldn't have any idea who painted it. I have no idea who your favorite poet is. Our relationship is based solely on the fact that we are both doing witchcraft." She choked. "You latched on to me because none of your other friends are witches. You just don't want to be alone."

"That's not true." 

Tara continued as if she hasn't spoken. "You know when you didn't show today, I thought something horrible had happened to you. Do you have any idea how I felt when I rushed over to Giles only to find you two all over each other?"

Willow looked at her girlfriend and had never felt so guilty before, not even when she had sort of cheated on Oz. "What do I have to do Tara?" 

Tara was silent for a long time, and then she raised her head and looked into Willow's eyes. "I want to leave Sunnydale. If you love me, you'll come with me."

"But Tara… I can't…we can't…"

"Are you coming?" 

"So is Will coming or not? I don't want to spend all night waiting if she isn't even going to show." Buffy pouted. 

"I think you guys can safely leave without her. Somehow I think Red won't be here tonight." Spike said bitterly. _Probably too busy playing slave girl._

"What makes you say that?" Xander asked, noting with interest Spike's moodiness.

Before Spike could form a reply, Willow walked in.

"Willow, good you are here. Come on we better hurry if we want to catch the 9:00 show." Anya brightened up on seeing Willow. "Isn't your girlfriend coming?" 

"No, um…actually she's packing right now." She glanced at everybody except Spike. "I…we…are leaving. Sunnydale that is, leaving Sunnydale." 

Spike shot out and grabbed her wrist, spun her around to face him, then quickly letting go when it felt as if a sledgehammer had slugged him in the head. Willow took a few steps away from him and looked at the others nervously.

"Where are you guys going?" Buffy asked. "And how long will you be gone?" 

"Actually we are leaving for a while." Willow said uncomfortably. "Tara and I have decided that we are going to apply to Columbia University, so we're moving to New York." She glanced around and saw everyone looking at her dumbfounded, except for Spike, who glared at her with a knowing look. She quickly avoided his eyes. "UC Sunnydale is fine and all, but it doesn't really give us the kind of education that we want." 

"So you are just going to leave?" Giles asked, a totally baffled look on his face. 

"Um…yeah. I know it seemed kind of sudden, but…this is the perfect time. We have a few weeks before summer's over, so it gives us a chance to settle in, and...we won't be missing any school or anything."

Xander came over and grabbed Willow by the hand. "What's going on Wills?" 

"Nothing. We made a decision that's all." Willow wrenched her hand away and took a step back. "Look, we are…we are young and…free. We don't…don't have to explain why we do what we do." 

"Yes you do Wills. This isn't like you." When Willow started to shake her head. Xander continued. "You don't just ditch your friends and run off. I've known you for longer than I care to remember. You never, ever just run off, especially when you know damn well that we need you here." 

Willow bit down on her lip, and then looked up defiantly. "Maybe I'm tired of being the dependable one. Maybe I just realized that I have a life too, and maybe I no longer want to include the Hellmouth in my life." 

Xander shook his head, and Willow sighed, knowing that he's not going to just let it go. It's funny how everyone always assumed that Xander was the joker, the irresponsible one, but Willow had learned from experience that when he gets serious, he's sharper than anyone else in the room. "I'm not buying it. What happened Wills?"

"I want to leave." Willow stared at her best friend. "I want to leave." She repeated a little more steadily.

"Willow, whether you are here or in New York, believe me frustration is still frustration." Anya said loudly.

Willow turned to look at the ex-demon. "What?"

"Come on, it's obvious isn't it? You and Tara have hit a snag in your relationship." Anya shrugged. "Maybe one of you figured out that you are not really gay, so you think that a new environment will help. In my experience…"

Xander pulled his girlfriend back, "Anya, this isn't…"

"What? We can't talk about this either?" 

Giles came up and patted Anya gently on the shoulder. He then turned to Willow. "Willow are you sure?"

Willow nodded without saying a word. "Willow, we need you, but I understand if you want to leave. Life is short, and we cannot be selfish. You deserve to be happy." Willow leaned into him and tried not to cry. "It's okay Willow. Go to Columbia. But if you ever want to come back, we are here." 

"Giles!" Buffy stared at the watcher in astonishment. "Wills can't…" 

"Yes she can Buffy." Giles cut her off. "Willow had done so much for us in the last few years, now she wants to move on. We have to accept that."

"Thank you Giles, and I'm sorry guys. I…um…I need to go home and pack. We won't be leaving for a couple of days, so I'll definitely call." 

Spike jumped up. "I'll walk you." 

"No, that won't be…" 

"Yes it is." Spike stalked over to her and lowered his voice. "Either we talk in private or we can talk about this in front of everybody." Willow nodded silently. 

"It's me isn't it?" He pulled out a cigarette as soon as they stepped outside.

"Of course not." Willow tried to sound indignant. 

"Your witch is jealous. I wonder why." 

"She is not jealous of you Spike. We just wanted to be together away from the Hellmouth. Why is that so hard to understand?" Willow said shortly.

"Because your life is here, not three thousand miles away in New York." He spatted out. "You are not Van Gogh Willow. You don't need to mutilate yourself to prove anything. There is no Arles for you to hide in." 

"I am not like Van Gogh! I'm not hiding. I'm starting a new life with the person that I love." Willow stopped walking and turned to face him. "And for you information Van Gogh was not hiding. He was trying to start up a new studio, to do something that he wanted to do. He was not running away."

He continued as if she hasn't spoken. "Van Gogh took refuge in Arles because he couldn't deal with the pressure of real life, disappointments, expectations, so he ran. But you know what Red, you can't run from real life."

Tara tear stained face flashed across her mind, and Willow found her courage. "Don't you dare talk to me like that. I'm choosing New York over the Hellmouth, I'm choosing Tara over yo…over the Scoobies. Deal with it!" His eyes flickered amber for a second at her slip up. All of sudden, she was no longer angry. "I'm leaving. She needs me. You guys have each other, but Tara only has me." She said softly and walked away from him, noting sadly that he was no longer following her.

The card dropped from her hand as Willow sat down on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged herself tightly. She has been in New York for almost a year. 

She looked at the little apartment that she has been living in since their move, but Tara had only stayed here during the first three months. After three months of walking on eggshells and trying to pretend that everything was fine, things had finally came to an end. 

While Tara went to Columbia, Willow applied at NYU. She couldn't explain to her girlfriend, but she needed the space. Tara never forgave her, other aspect of their relationship continued to deteriorate. After two months their conversations were almost non-existing. It was hard to avoid each other in that small one bedroom apartment that they shared in Queens, but they tried. Finally Willow came home one day to find Tara waiting for her with all her bags packed and sitting by the doorway.

"Tara?"

"We tried Willow, but it's not enough, is it?"

"Why?"

"Because you don't love me enough." Tara caressed her cheek. "I'm not blaming you, but I don't want to be second best in a relationship." Before Willow could protest, "I have no more illusion left. At least this way we can both move on."

Willow had wept after she left, but she was never sure whether she was crying because she lost her girlfriend or because she had somehow failed her.

After the split she had wanted to go home, back to Sunnydale, but she wasn't sure if her friends would still wanted to see her. And the thought of seeing Spike again after their heated exchange the last time she had seen him was enough to keep her in New York. She and Xander had been emailing each other almost everyday, but they only talked about her school and his job. She didn't even tell him that she and Tara had separated until last week when she had told him that she was coming home for the summer. He had asked if Tara was coming, and she had had no choice but to tell him the truth. She has a one way ticket sitting in her drawer right now bound for Sunnydale. 

She blinked and noticed that there was another piece of paper sitting inside the envelope. She pulled out the single sheet of white paper folded in half; she opened it and swallowed. It was an itinerary with her name on it for a flight leaving tonight bound for Paris; below that show the schedule for a confirmed train ride to Arles and three words written in black ink, "Come with me?"

The soft knock interrupted her musing. She sat frozen not knowing what to do. The knock came again, and she slowly got off the ground and dragged herself over to the door. She opened it to see Spike standing there with a single red rose in his hand. She blinked several times, but he was still standing there. He saw her still clutching the itinerary in her hand and mouthed the word "Please?" at her. Her face broke into a radiant smile. "Yes."


End file.
